seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
