take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
