Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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