My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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