margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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