I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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