I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize