nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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