don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
