rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
