I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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