was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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