Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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