You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
