he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
