I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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