I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
