Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize