life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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