I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
