Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
