The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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