i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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