im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
