Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
