im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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