maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
