I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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