After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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