So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
