so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
