: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
