dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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