there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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