just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
