her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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