I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
