you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My dick has a subreddit
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
