I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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