There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
