Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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