Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
