I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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