You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
