1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
