the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
