I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize