you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
