I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
