Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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