My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
