I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
