The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize