I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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