even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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