i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
