whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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