I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize