I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
