Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
