You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
