can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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