I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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