I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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