I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
